Loving Mother The Power of Prayer

     After my father passed away, I got on the next available flight to Saint Louis to be with my family. A friend of mine, Bill Hinds, heard about what just happened, left work and rushed to the airport.  He actually stopped the flight from taking off and persuaded the airline attendant to let him on the plane to let me know he was there for me. (This would never happen today since 9/11) Wow! What a great friend. He even got on a flight a few days later and met me in Saint Louis. What unconditional love he had for me to spare no expense and be there for me in this emotional time in my life. After the funeral and things settled down, I returned back home to Tulsa.

     Now being on the mission team to start a church was a passion I felt and a way I saw to help others. I felt as if I was following what the “Light of Love’s” will for me was. However, week after week and month after month I would get calls from my brothers telling me I needed to move back home. You see my mother became very depressed, none in my family had ever seen her in a state so severe before.

     In my mind I knew she was going through the stages of loss, which everyone experiences to some degree.  When I had conversations with my mom on the phone or when I visited home in the months that followed I didn’t get why my brothers were saying I needed to move back. My experience with my mom was that she was searching for peace and to be happy again; she joined several support groups and began to build new friendships. She talked to me about her new friends and what they were doing. She was keeping herself busy and occupied her time with relationships that supported her recovery. 

     However, every conversation I had with my bothers left me feeling that I was letting down the family as if my life in Tulsa was more important than mom. With this weighting heavy on my heart, I sought advice from several people from church and prayed about it daily. My friends from church, talked about the commitment we made to being on the mission team, I was reminded of many scriptures one of which was Mathew 19: 29 “And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.” I was told that everyone on the mission team left their homes to preach the gospel of Christ and that I was not the only one who had family that wanted me to move closer to home. I felt that my calling to help start a church in Tulsa was a way I could love others and teach them what the Bible taught about Jesus and how we should live our lives.

     This is what I knew: I went on the mission team to live out what I believed was part of my purpose when I experienced a knowing that I was here to help others that happened during my “Light of Love” experience. I also felt that I was living out my purpose from what I read in the Bible. However, I loved my family and deep down inside I felt the tug (I describe the tug as an invisible rope tied around my waist and on the other end God is pulling me in the direction as to what I should do) to return home. What I was experiencing was two different competing commitments, both of which were pulling me in different directions. One commitment was based on what I believed in my head my purpose was and the other commitment was to extend love to the one that brought me into the world. I reasoned that I could still love my mom and live in Tulsa.

     Conflict continued to haunt me and I felt whatever I chose to do that I was making the wrong choice. What would Jesus do? He left his mother and father to teach, love and help people. How was what I am doing any different?

     I was reading in the book of Judges about how Gideon asked God to show him His will. He said to God “I will place a wool fleece on the threshing floor. If there is dew only on the fleece and all the ground is dry, then I will know that you will save Israel by my hand.” The next morning Gideon got up and found that the fleece was full of dew and the threshing floor was dry. When I read this, I thought I needed to ask God, what His will is for me. I felt this would be the only way I could experience peace within my heart and do what I felt I needed to do.

     What should I request from God? I thought. I wanted it to be something that when it happened I would not have any doubt. Well, now I have lived in Tulsa for 3 or 4 years and I have never seen a deer. So in prayer I asked God if it was His will for me to move back to Saint Louis then let me see a deer in the next week. As the week went by I kept looking for deer, everywhere but none were seen. Friday had come and I felt that God was letting me know that I should stay in Tulsa. That weekend I was going on a trip with some friends. It is now Friday evening and the drive out to the lake was a couple of hours away. In the back of my mind I was still aware of my prayer and search all along the road for deer, but none were seen. Dark came upon us as we were approaching the cabins. We made a right turn on to an old rock road, on the right side of the road appeared to be a big field, I was not too sure being it was pitch dark, however I thought I saw something move and felt the need to turn the car around to see what it was. As I turned the car around and shined the head lights into the field I couldn’t believe my eyes not just one deer but a whole herd of deer were in the field, the entire field was filled with deer. I felt a leap of joy in heart, knowing that this was God’s answer to my prayer. I sat there staring at the deer in amazement thinking that when God’s answerers a prayer He does it all out. The rest of the weekend was nothing less than amazing as it unfolded; deer showed up everywhere I went. I have never seen so many deer in my life. Knowing now that I needed to move back to Saint Louis was oblivious or so I thought. 

     In the weeks that followed I shared my experience with other friends from Church and to my surprise I did not really received the reaction I had expected. I was told that it is not okay to test God that way, that I had to be careful and it was most likely a coincidence. This created doubt in my own mind as to what I experienced. Was I wrong to ask this of God? Was it really a coincidence? Again I felt like I was being torn by two different competing commitments between loving my mother and listening to my family or staying and help other people find God.

     I recalled that back in the book of Judges, Gideon went back to God and said, “Do not be angry with me. Let me make just one more request. Allow me one more test with the fleece, but this time make the fleece dry and let the ground be covered with dew.” That night God did so. Only the fleece was dry; all the ground was covered with dew.

     I did not want to test God as my friends were suggesting, but at the same time I did not want to ignore my experience either. I knew I wanted to ask God for another sign, but not seeing a deer was so common for me, I didn’t think that just flipping the request around like Gideon did would really give me what I was seeking.

     Now, I drove a school bus while I was going back to school. It was a great way for me to attend my classes and still earn a living and pay my bills. This particular morning I was parked in my usual spot waiting for the time to arrive for me to leave for my first pick up.  The sky was filled with dark thunder clouds and the rain was pouring down hard from above. I was feeling distraught over my inner conflict, so I began to pray on the bus and this time I went to God one more time and asked for a sign so that I could put an end to this inner conflict. Next to the lot where I parked the bus was a gas station, and it was not uncommon for me to use the restroom there. I prayed that if it was God’s will for me to move back to Saint Louis then when I walk over to and back from the gas station to use the restroom that I would remain dry (like the fleece) but to let it continue to rain all around me. I thought that this prayer would be specific enough that if it happened I would have no doubt God was answering my prayer. Well, I opened the bus door and what happened above the bus was amazing; a hole in the clouds appeared and as I walked to the gas station I remained dry, yet I could see a within few yards all around me it had not stopped. As I walked over to the gas station excitement fill my soul the same way it did when I experienced the deer in the field. A joy and peace came over me. Here I am walking outside the bus and I’m dry. On the return trip back to the bus from the gas station the hole in the clouds above me continued to keep me dry. I climbed onto the bus and then pulled the handle to close the door and it started pouring down just as hard as before. There was no mistake God was not only answering my prayer but once again replaced my inner conflict with joy and peace.

     Now, I realize that tug I felt to move back home was love calling me to respond with love to the crisis my mom was experiencing. Just by my being present in Saint Louis, a shift occurred not only in me but also in my mom. My family and my mom’s friends communicated that my move home was the healing that she needed to start living her life again. From the day I arrived home her depression completely disappeared. She was filled with joy that her son came back home.

     Living in Tulsa was a choice that provided a life experience that sought me to seek out Love, but once I started to live the experience the need for me to stay in Tulsa was no longer necessary.  

Father and Son

     This post has taken me a couple of years to continue with. What I am posting in here I denied for a long time as being possible and did not want anyone to know. By denying its power, I have denied the greatness within me for quite some time. Today I am ready to step into this role and live my life of love. A few years ago I started reading “A Course in Miracles” and last year I came upon “A Course of Love”. Both of these books as well as the Bible created huge shifts for me. It was after reading “A Course of Love” I realized if I am going to live out the greatness that is within me I need to stop denying my calling.

     My dad was a loving man he did a lot for others. He loved people. He loved life and he loved to serve. He was a dentist by profession and volunteered his time and services at nursing homes making dentures for the residents. He went out of his way to help others through his passions in life. He loved sports and played for the Red Sox’s; however my mother convinced him to give up playing ball to become a dentist. My dad coached the Crestwood Legion Baseball Team and guided his team to the world series of Legion Baseball. He played full out; he played life to win and supported others in the process. I remember my dad and mom always being together, where ever one was the other was not too far away.


     Now my relationship with my dad, had not always been close as a matter of fact I would say it was more of a love / hate relationship. When I was a young boy I remember my father being really angry with me. He hit me over and over again with his belt saying “Who’s the boss” – I kept replying “not you” or “I am” or “mom is.” This only happened the one time. We had a real power struggle going on. Neither of us won this power struggle, I rebelled most of my young life into early adulthood. As I was becoming a young adult I had a conversation with my father in which he told me I was the “Black Sheep of the Family.” – Ouch!

     My brothers all played baseball but I was not interested or talented in that area, so I joined a swim team and got involved with gymnastics. All summer long my dad would attend every baseball game he could. He would take off work early and not schedule patients so he could attend the games and watch my brothers play. Now I know baseball was his passion and he really loved going to the games, however I very seldom remember my dad attending any of my swim meets.  Now I have no idea the real reason as to why he only came to a couple of my swim meets, but I made up my own truth subconsciously and heard the unspoken message in my mind that “I don’t matter!”

     It is now the “Christmas Season.” I have lived in Tulsa, Oklahoma for a couple of years and went back to Saint Louis to visit family for the holidays.

     What was about to happen was a significant shift in my life, one that I denied and have refused to step into.

     We had a walk out basement; I was downstairs with my dad barbequing. (Every Sunday my dad would barbeque enough food to last the week) Well now my dad wanted to talk to me alone so here we are together as I am helping him with his Sunday ritual.

     In our conversation he expressed that he was proud of me and that he was sorry he did not let me know that in the past. In fact, he told me he wished that my brothers were more like me.

     Wow! What was happening?

     He went on to tell me that I was going to have a very special role in life and he continued to tell me that I would walk the earth the same way Jesus walked the earth, with the ability to heal others and do miracles, that I would be a part of changing the world as we know it.

    Well, now I am thinking my dad is off his rocker. I replied, “Dad, those things are impossible, no one can do that kind of stuff, those kinds of powers died off after the apostles died.” He looked at me with the most serious look I have ever seen on his face, “Greg you have got to believe me what I am telling you is true.”  I will never forget the look in his eyes and his words; however what he was saying was too hard for me to believe about myself, but yet at some internal level I thought could be true?

     This event became a pinnacle point in my life as this turn out to be the last conversation I had with my father.  I had gone back to Tulsa and just a few weeks later I got a call from my mom, she could barely speak, my dad past away that morning, he died of a heart attack.

     That last conversation became the best gift my dad had ever giving me as it allowed the walls between us to fall and we left behind our love / hate relationship as something of the past. I never felt closer to my dad than in that last conversation we had.

     I believe my dad now, although I have not at this time brought sight to the blind, hearing to the Deaf or raised anyone from the dead.   I now believe that to live as Christ is possible and necessary in order to bring heaven to earth. Part of my denial is another belief I have running in my subconscious which I discovered a couple of weeks ago and that is “I Want to Look Good” I deny “Who I Am” because I do not want to look like a lunatic, I don’t want people to think I am crazy. I can accept my greatness as long as my greatness does not look like I have a God complex.  I kept denying that what my dad told me was even possible. When I had the revelation that as long as I keep denying “Who I Am” I keep that part of “Who I Am” separate from me.

     I have been following a calling all my life and it has led me to where I am at today. This calling is strong I cannot deny it. I want to live it! I want to Be It! So here begins the new for me, I will no longer deny my calling, I will no longer deny the love that is within me, I will no longer deny my greatness! I am letting the world know what I have kept as my secret for the past 16 years.

Miracles

    The next major shift in my life happened after I moved away from St. Louis. Shortly after I starting studding the Bible letting it mold me and shape me from the inside out, I went on a mission trip to start an affiliated church to the one I was now attending. Stepping out on Faith, I left my career, my home and life as I knew it behind me and moved to Tulsa, Oklahoma. I guess from a logical sense this was not a very smart move on the other hand trusting in God and the Holy Spirit allowed me to transform in my thinking greater than I could have imagined.
     Here I do not know anyone, no job, living in an empty apartment, a roommate I just met, and sleeping on the floor. Not exactly what I had in mind. I started studding the Bible by topics and this opened up many new insights for me. I studied topics such as pride and humility, evangelism, miracles, gifts of the spirit and the list goes on and on….
     I found myself becoming more and more judgmental as my knowledge and understanding of the written word increased. I began to see more and more flaws in people including myself. The study of the Bible at first changed me for the better, but now I was changing into a self-righteous religious person and was completely unaware of it. I could see faults in everyone I met. When opportunity arose I did my best to jump into their lives to show them their faults so they could change. Not seeing my own arrogance. Many people I spoke with took what I had to say and improved their lives, other did not. I don’t recall offending anyone as I can communicate in an eloquent way; however the way I communicated did not really represent the judgmental way I was thinking.
     I began to see the lack of love in the lives of people around me. I saw the selfishness in people. Everyone seemed to have a “what’s in it for me attitude”, including myself. I noticed what appeared to be acts of love but always seem to find a reason behind the act. This took me on a journey to seek and find what love really is. Is love only of God, are we capable of loving without a reason, can we truly extend love to others without wanting or receiving anything back? Was there anyone who lived that was capable of extending real love? This inspired my next topic to study out in the Bible “Love”, all in all it took around three months to study this topic out and is taking a life time of attempts to live it.
     Love transformed me more than any topic I have ever studied out. I recall one special moment that happened as a result of letting Love transform me. I was living in a duplex with two other friends. My one roommate was an ex-marine and spoke to us as if we were marines. This particular morning my ex-marine roommate woke up early to study for an exam he was taking in school. He barged into my room and starting yelling at me as to the fact there was no coffee in the house and then he stormed out and back to his room to study. First off I did not drink coffee, at this time in my life, so why he came in to disclose this fact to me I was not sure, however I got up and went into the kitchen and was able to find some instant coffee. I made it and took it to his room, only for him to respond in an angry tone that he did not like instant coffee. So I then got dressed and went to the corner store, bought some coffee, made it and brought him another cup. He again remarked, “I don't drink instant coffee”, I simply turned to him and said it was regular coffee and left him to his studies. What amazed me was that I did not do this in defense, I was not angry, I merely did this because I wanted to, I genuinely wanted to serve him and show him kindness. What a miracle! I just had a “Miracle Moment” genuinely extending love to someone for no reason of gaining anything in return. This may sound like a small act, but it is the small acts of love that make a huge difference in our daily lives. Miracles can happen every day because everything that comes from love is a miracle. Our expressions of love create the miracles that happen in our lives and the lives of others. No miracles can occur separate from love.
     In that moment I saw only a call for help, I was not in judgment. I did not even look at him as if he attacked me. I stepped into complete forgiveness of what appeared to be an attack on me and answered his call for help. That instant changed our relationship for the rest of our lives. My roommate took off that morning to school and it was later that evening I saw him again. He came to me and asked “Why did you leave to get coffee this morning and make it for me?” I remember replying, “Because you wanted some coffee.” To this day my friend never again yelled at me. He changed; he went through a transformation brought on by my study of Love and an act of kindness shown to him when he did not feel deserving of it.
     By the way in my rhetorical question I stated above, I was pondering about extending love without wanting or receiving anything back… I found it is possible to extend love without wanting anything back, but it is impossible to extend love and not receive love back. It may not come from the one you extend it to, however love always returns to those who extend it.

The Decision

     We go through life in one of three roles, as a victim, a victimizer or we can take responsibility for all of our actions, choices and decisions in life. I know I have lived in each of these roles. I have been a victim, a victimizer and I have stepped into taking responsibility.

     Our choice to live as a victim or victimizer brings conflict, anxiety, frustration, hatred, bitterness and a wave of other similar emotions and feelings. If our goal is to obtain peace, love and joy in our lives it will never come from living as a victim or victimizer. When we are caught up being the victim or victimizer we can never have, be or feel the true comfort, peace, love and joy that is the greatness within us.

     After my “Light of Love” experience, which drove me to seek my inner greatness, many opposing forces appeared in my life. They came in forms that were obvious conflicts but also forms that appeared to be loving gestures. At least that is what it looks like on the surface, underneath these conflicts and loving gestures resides something we call fear. It is the fear that makes us react when something in our lives change, or we feel we may lose something.

     Life for me was grand, I was happier than I have even been, no one would have ever thought just a week or a month ago, I was ever so desolate, depressed and without any hope at all. Growing up Catholic – as I mentioned earlier gave me a great foundation, it was the reason I even started seeking God. However, as I shared my new life with family and friends I came upon a lot of opposition. Even to this day I have relationships that have not healed that I long to see happen.

     I had some tell me that they want nothing to do with me because of the pain and trouble I cause by leaving the Catholic Church. I really did not look at it as leaving any Church, I just found a group of loving people who helped me to understand the Bible, who saw no difference in people, treated everyone the same. What could be wrong with that? Some thought I was in a cult! I was also told, I would be going to hell for what I did. There were times I felt like I was being dissected, every area of my life was being questions, what do you think of this, or what do you think of that and anyway I answered some kind of judgment was made, on both of our parts. My words were being twisted and the things I said were being misinterpret. I would have been better to imitate Christ and kept silent, however it did not seem possible to do that either. All I could do was leave in silence for I was committed and driven to continue on my path no matter what anyone thought or said.

     I know people were judging me no matter what I said, some of them already had their minds made up even before they confronted me, but what I now realize even worse is that I was in deep judgment of everyone who did not understand what I was experiencing, why I was making the decisions I made. My judgments led me to playing the victim roll. This conflict rose up and I allow it to steal my peace and joy. I allowed the things that were happening outside of me to dictate what I felt like on the inside. My “Light of Love” experience now seemed so far away. It had only been a few months that passed, but it was as if the chaos and judgments that entered were tearing me apart. Where is the peace, the joy the love?  Everyday I opened up the Bible to search for answers, I sought advice from others who were rooted in the Bible and prayed for God to help me through this time.

     Playing the role of the victim haunted me. I could not be connected to the “Light of Love” and be a victim. My feelings of love for the people in my life who seemingly turned on me were too overwhelming for me to handle alone. I was not depressed, but I was longing for each of them to be able to experience real, hope, love, joy from within, and it was causing me to lack within. I was frustrated, angry and did not understand why anyone would question me being happy. I judge them all as unhappy, judgmental, unopen and way off the mark. Thinking at that time I had arrived. I found it, and they needed it.

     It took me sometime to be at peace again. It came back into my life when I stopped focusing on being a victim and began to live my life to love others. I finally took responsibility for choosing the path I choose.  As my gratitude grew for the wonderful things in my life, all the things that were not so great seemed to matter less and less. As time moved on I learned how to and practiced forgiveness, I did not have a full understanding of its benefits, but as I look back I see it does not matter if I understood how forgiveness works, it still works. It makes room in our lives to be at peace and to experience miracles.

     “Miracle Moments” happen, and we do not have to understand how or even why they do. In my next post I will go more into one of these moments in my life and how it still continues to inspire me today.

New Life

    I was brought up by loving wonderful parents and grandparents, whom developed my foundation grounded with a belief in God. I was raised as a Christian, taught morals by the examples of unconditional love they had for family, friends and even strangers. They gave their time, money and lives to others time and time again.
     As a teenager and into young adulthood these wonderful attributes were hidden within me underneath many of my selfish pursuits that led me to hating life.
     When I hit “Rock Bottom” it put me in a state of mind that open me up to the possibilities of change; finding that greatness within me. This brought the “Light of Love” into my life, and that light gave me a new hope in living. I no longer felt the need to be done with life. My mind became open to a new way of thinking…. a transformation was possible because I literally had no where else to go. Today I continue to be open and seek for new possibilities. My transformation through this light sent me on a life long quest to be connected with this inner peace, love and joy all the time….
     I wanted to know God, so I went and bought several spiritual books including the Bible. I started reading the King James Version and read through the first few books, this just confused me even more. I was not finding that feeling I achieved within the “Light of Love” I was seeking. I still had no idea what direction to take in my life, what was I to do to help others.
     I continued to pray for insight as to what God wanted me to do… My mind continued to fill with new and exciting ways I could live my life to help others… I probably could of chose any of these ideas and made an impact in the lives of countless people; however I still lived with fear inside of me that would only allow me to play in life in a way as not to lose. What if I fail, what if am not good enough, what if I make a mistake, what if, what if, what if…. That is the kind of thinking which holds me back from stepping into the greatness within. It was this thinking; these beliefs I had within me, which I did not realize at the time, had to change.
     My prayers shifted from asking God for insight to asking God to put someone in my life to help me. That was when I met a man named John Lusk. I was a supervisor at Bally’s Health Club, overseeing the operations of the seven clubs in the St. Louis area. One of my responsibilities was to manage the “Juice Bar” within the clubs. This particular day that I met John, one of my managers had an employee call in and said he was going to be late for work, my manager had to pick up his son from school so he had to leave. He called me and I drove over to the club to cover the time in-between. So there I am at the Juice Bar and in walks John. He was a really nice guy. We had a great conversation and made a good connection between us. John made me feel at ease. I could sense that he was a real genuine person. John ended our conversation with an invitation to church. Wow that’s strange I have never had anyone ever invite me to go to church with them ever. I decide I would go and thought perhaps he was the answer to my prayer.
     That following Sunday I went to the Holiday Inn in Clayton, Missouri. “What a strange place for a church to meet”, I thought. As I walked in and looked around I saw several people walk into one of the meeting rooms and just followed them in. When I walked into the room I was taken back, felt really uneasy. I saw people of all different races, ages’ men and women everyone hugging each other. I saw guys hugging other guys and literally turned around and walked out the door. Just as I was out the door someone saw me leave and came out and asked “Hey are you Greg?” he said. I turned around and looked at him and said “yes” wondering how he knew my name. “Well John asked me to watch for you, he has a seat saved up front for you.” I said ok and walked back in with him. He escorted me to the front and introduced me to several people. John was the minister and in a meeting before church started, that is why he asked someone to look out for me.
     Now, growing up I went to church in a catholic parish. So I was not used to seeing everyone talking and laughing and having a good time. My view of attending church service was a time of reverence, a time to focus on God, not other people. I thought to myself, I’ll sit through this service, but I am not going to come back. The people were all nice and friendly, however my view of church did not look like what I was experiencing. I saw John come in; he came over and said hello only for a moment, then service started pretty much right away. When John got up and began speaking his words spoke out to me. Everything he described in his sermon described my life. How was John able to do that? How could he of known, the pain and anguish I recently went through. It was as if he had a crystal ball and knew everything about me.
     Later, I realized it was not John, but it was the scriptures he chose and expanded on in his sermon that spoke to my heart. From this point on I would have to say that the Bible unmistakenly has been one of the major influences in changing my life, the way I think and what I believe.
     I left church that day excited and happy. My new friends helped me; guided me and show me how to open up my life and let the scriptures mold and change me. They introduce me to the New International Version of the Bible – which was written in Modern English, as oppose to the King James written in Old English. I started reading this time in the New Testament and within a matter of weeks changed my habits, I quit smoking, drugs, I stopped getting drunk, cleaned up my language and started living what at the time I thought was a full life; however God had many other things in store for me. My quest to return to the “Light of Love” would not let me stop here I thirsted to go deeper and deeper within my very soul, to find my true essence, my connection, my oneness with the Light.

      Experiencing the Light of Love and discovering how the Bible could transform my life were the beginning of this process. Seeking and finding the greatness within comes with many costs and decisions that are not easy to make, but must be made. Conflict can and well arise as I will share in my next post...

“Light Of Love”

     I spoke of a Light of Love in my last post.  I feel compelled to expand on my thoughts and experiences on the “Light of Love” so I had to create this post.

     Please read my previous post (Rock Bottom) if you have not, so that what I write here will make sense.

     After I experienced the Light of Love I looked back on it, however I could not recall how long the experience was… I had no recollection of time. I remember thinking what just happened, how long did I experience this thing that just happened…. Was it a minute, 10 minutes, I had no idea. All I knew was it was the most beautiful feeling I have ever experienced. It was as if I was in heaven – no perhaps I should say that heaven was a part of me. It was in me, it was me! As I sit here thinking of how to explain this in words I can not find any that could adequately explain what happen. The experience went beyond all spoken words, time and space. There were absolutely no thoughts, no words just a kind of knowing. Time itself did not exist in this state, I felt as if I had absolutely no boundaries to contain me.

     I remember the first time I read in the Bible Luke 17:20-21 “Once, having been asked by the Pharisees when the kingdom of God would come, Jesus replied, "The kingdom of God does not come with your careful observation, nor will people say, 'Here it is,' or 'There it is,' because the kingdom of God is within you" I can not help but wonder if this is what heaven is like, do we each carry it inside of us, Is it Christ, the Holy Spirit, God Himself that was in this light? 

     While I was meditating more recently I had two more experiences. First, I was practicing forgiveness which is now something I practice often. I had my eyes closed and was meditating on a person in my life that I was never able to see eye to eye with. I really did not enjoy being around this person, he made me feel as if I did not matter, unimportant and as you know from previous posts that is one of the beliefs about myself that holds me back. I picked this person to envision because I am not only seeking to rid my life of these negative feelings but also live a life that holds no grievance against anyone. First I imagined his face and then began seeing him as a whole person next something really unexpected happened. All of a sudden he turned into a glowing warm light and I began to feel joyful and at peace, then this light shot into my body and I saw myself change into the same light, we became one - one being. Connect by the love, peace and happiness that existed in the light. We were the same, nothing could separate us, and it was as if this were our natural state. This another one of my “Miracle Moments.” Now whenever I think about or see this person I think of him as my brother no different than me and my negative feelings about him are no more.

     A few days later during another time of meditation the image of the earth came into my mind. As I focused on the earth I could see people roaming on the planet. Then I saw a person begin to glow and then another and another. They were all from different parts of the world. These lights then moved into others that were near them, and the glow began to expand at first slowly and as the earth began to glow brighter and bright the feeling of peace within me began to overtake my mind it was pouring out of my heart, I began to smile, nothing could wipe it from my face, I was in a total state of joy. Then as the light within all those people grew and grew I saw the earth very rapidly disappeared into a huge glowing light. Everyone on the planted connected with one another, all enjoying the same peace, love and joy as I was experiencing. The entire world had been completely over taken by this light with no one left out. Even now as I write about this experience it is bringing back a great sense of peace and joy within me.

     So many of us seek our whole lives and look outside of ourselves to find peace, joy, love and heaven; we search for it in relationships, family, careers, money, wealth, status etc… We even look up into the stars and beyond as if that is where heaven is located. Many of us are looking in the wrong place to find heaven. Is heaven separate from us.... somewhere out there? Have we all been deceived that happiness, peace and love are gained through something or someone external from ourselves?

     Ever since this first experience I had with the light, it has led me down a path of seeking to obtain it all the time, it drove me, and continues to drive me in all the decision I make.

     I believe heaven is inside of me as it is inside of all of us. If that is true then what is it that prevents us from seeing and experiencing this indescribable ecstasy of love, peace and joy. How can we re-connect with the light within?

     What is it that blocks or hides the light within us? Our judgments, hatred, prejudices, biases, jealousy, pride things we call “sin” are obstacles that keep us focused on everything outside of ourselves. These errors in our thinking cause us to chase after the wrong things in life to try to find what is missing and make us feel special or better or worse than the next person. We look at everyone in a hierarchy way of thinking as if I am better, she is prettier, he is more muscular, homeless, wealthy, Wal-Mart greeter, accountant, blogger, we cheer for our favorite teams, mines better, you lost, we won separating ourselves from each other.

     When in reality we are all amazing, all have the same greatness within us. None of us is better or worse than the next. We are all connected to the same light which brings us together as one.