As I fit the pieces of my life together, I realize that every experience was preparing me for the next chapter in my life. My beliefs will lead me to either step into the greatness that is within me or it will allow me to wallow as victim. I have played both rolls in my life and boy it is so much better to step into the greatness than to live as a victim. I am not stupid, I do matter and I can play to win and not only can I win but all of us can win together. I realize no one has to lose in order for me to win and the more I help others win I win myself.
I experience a huge shift that was essential to my personal growth. In previous posts I indicated that at times in my life I did not like myself in fact I would go as far as saying I hated being me. One of the things that gave me comfort when I was a boy and I became upset or angry, I would simply go away, take a walk, go to the wood, go to my room, out back or down to our basement. Amazingly many of these times something wonderful would happen to me. I call my “Miracle Moments.” A sense of peace would come over me, I felt like even though I was physically alone something or someone else was with me. I held conversations within myself, express my feeling and anger and eventually what ever was bothering me just did not matter anymore.
I really began to enjoy being alone or by myself, but as I grew older I started to experiment with alcohol and drugs. During this time in my life I became very popular and my times of solitude seemed to disappear from my life. It was not until sometime later I was able to rediscover that part of me. This temporary fix of being popular lasted till my later twenties. In this stage of my life I was engaged to be married but called it off which was probably a good thing for her – I was in no way ready to be married giving to someone else, the alcohol and drugs and my own ego really had me so self focused, there was no way I would have been able to meet her needs. I partied all the time, dropped out of school, worked fulltime at Bally’s Health Club in St. Louis. I literally burned the candle at both ends as my parents would say. I moved into my own apartment so I would not have to face my parents night after night in my drugged and drunken state.
By the time I reached the age of twenty-nine I was done I mean really done with life! I began to see what a mess my life really was. I hit Rock Bottom! People who I thought were my friends over the years began to show their true colors. I will skip all the details here or else I may go back into a victim state… I much rather step into forgiveness and think of them as some of the special people in my life who helped me grow into who I am today.
In my depressed state of mind I realized that everything in my life seemed to be meaningless. I was tired of living my life in altered states of consciousness; I had no real friends. I was almost thirty and had nothing to show for my life. This just confirmed my old beliefs that I am stupid, I don’t matter and I am a big loser. I literally wept night after night, week after week for a month or longer in discus of who I became. After sometime of being in this state of depression, I began to reflect back and remembered the times in my life when I found peace. I started praying and calling out to God. I was looking for something that was greater than me, something that could bring me hope. However the only thing I really hoped for at this time in my life was that God would take me away. I was finished with life in my physical state and could only think of being in Heaven. Night after night I began asking God to take me, until finally I became so emotionally distraught I stared yelling at God as to why he did not want me either. After a week or so of praying this way another “Miracle Moment” happened. This particular night I could not stop crying, and begged God to answer me, why, why, why he did not want me, then within my body a light began to fill my soul, my very being. Love, peace and joy were the only feeling I could feel, but just moments before I was filled with so much anguish and hatred for myself. As the light filled me I knew without any words being spoken, but understood without a doubt I am here to help people! God wants me to help others.
Now a new quest came upon me. I knew without a doubt I was here to help people, but how was I to do that. For the next several weeks I thought of all kinds of ways I could do just that, but I was not sure which one’s God had outlined for me in my life. I continued praying and speaking to God, just like I did when I was a boy. However, no real answer came to me as what God wanted me to do, so I prayed that God would put someone in my life to help me and he did just that. I will talk about that in my next post.
By the way, I never have returned to that state of depression again. That “Miracle Moment” changed the rest of my life forever! That happened over 20 years ago. Many things have happened along this journey and God is still working on me. When I look back, I feel like Moses in the Desert who waited years and years before God called upon him. Many times have come and I thought to myself this is what God must of meant when I understood I was here to help people and it is still happening today in small ways, big ways and ways I may never understand for a long, long time….
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